Breaking the Silence: Let’s Talk Female Orgasms
Although orgasms belong to everyone, this post will be written from the perspective of a cisgender woman. I will be writing it using the term woman and pronouns she/her, but acknowledge that some were not born female presenting, but identify as that now.
Breaking the Silence: Talking About Female Orgasms
As a cisgender woman, I want to state and confirm LOUDLY that not every woman has an orgasm during sex. Full stop. That is ok. There is NOTHING wrong with you (them). On top of that, our orgasms are VASTLY different. We'll dive into that in another post!
What was that?? My first Orgasm
The first time I had an orgasm was when I was about 21. A full 3 years after I started having sex, I had no idea what caused it. I was pretty sure it was an orgasm, but had nothing to compare it to and was in a relationship where I didn't feel comfortable sharing what had just happened. Not because he wouldn't have wanted to know, but I had a sense of shame and embarrassment surrounding sex and we just hadn't nurtured the type of openness that would have been required to be vulnerable.
The Role Religion & Lack of Education Played For Me
I don't know about you, but I was brought up and continued into adulthood without having sex and sex-related conversations with my primary caregivers, my friends, or my partner! I was taught that we should only have sex within the confines of marriage and masturbation was a dirty act that abused the original purpose of our intimate parts (reproduction).
In addition to that, there was a significant lack of comprehensive sex education available. The education I was given in school focused more on reproduction than on diverse sexual experiences, leaving me and everyone else uninformed about the variety of sexual responses, or even worse, looking for advice, information, and guidance from fellow inexperienced friends/peers.
At home, only the basic facts were shared - nothing about pleasure, misconceptions, common fears, how to practice safe(r) sex, etc. I had never explored my body or experienced self-pleasure (because again, masturbation was dirty). I had no idea what felt good for me, and most definitely didn't know how to bring myself to orgasm, never mind tell someone else what pleased me. The little I learned about myself through my experiences, I didn't share with friends or my early partners because it was so embarrassing. Who needed an education when we could watch movies that reinforced that women are "supposed" to orgasm and if we didn't something was wrong…with us?
The Porn Paradox: Fantasy vs. Reality
Then there is porn. I am not here to villainize it, just to shine a light on how it can influence expectations of the experience, of ourselves, and others. I did not have access to porn in my earlier years, but when I did start watching, it was quite clear to me that women have orgasms EVERY DAMN TIME. They don't. We don’t. This can be hugely damaging to your sense of self-worth and leave your partner feeling like they cannot satisfy you. My ex-husband didn't help things by sharing that his previous partners had orgasms and so naturally, I thought there was something wrong with me. (The other lovely little "fact" he shared was that all women enjoy anal. Guess where he heard/saw that??) We will dig into porn much further in another post, but a quick reminder for anyone reading this - if you don't already know, porn isn't meant to be a representation of a real-life sexual encounter. It is fantasy. Can you recreate these? Absolutely! And it can be completely authentic and enjoyable. But, if you expect yourself or your partner(s) to look like or perform like the actors or content creators in these scenes, you will be setting yourself and them up for a less then enjoyable experience (that is putting it lightly - it can damage relationships, create situations where one or both compromise their values, etc). What we are aiming for is as close to 100% authenticity in our intimate encounters. Ok, I digress - back to orgasms.
Choosing Pleasure as a Worthy Goal
From personal experience, as someone who orgasms rarely during sex, I had to shift my goal from having an orgasm to experiencing pleasure. This changed the whole experience for me. From one of stress, anxiety, and a sense of lack, to experiencing every sensation for exactly what it was and had to offer. PLEASURE!
Setting Expectations with New Partners
When I am with a new sexual partner I explain to them that I don't orgasm easily and that if it is their ultimate goal (spoken or not) it will lead to disappointment. I have NEVER cum from oral sex. Never. Full stop. I have been with some talented lovers. It's just not going to happen. I explain to them that I love how it feels, but if their (hidden) agenda once I tell them I haven't, is to be the first person…they are adding pressure to an experience that could be phenomenal otherwise.
Expressiveness and Authenticity in Intimacy
For YEARS I faked orgasms so my partners would stop trying. Again, I enjoyed sex immensely, but would eventually get to the point where I wanted to move on and didn't want to hurt their feelings. Men especially have been taught that to be thoughtful and generous lovers they need to make sure their (female) partner has an orgasm before they do. While in theory this makes sense, in practice it adds so much pressure to what is supposed to be an enjoyable experience. I do understand it is a bit to wrap your head around simply stopping because you have experienced pleasure or created an enjoyable experience for your partner, not an orgasm signifying the end. But if we take that off the table - if the woman can relax and enjoy the sensations and the man can focus on their partner, listening to their every sound, watching their every move, it changes the entire experience. Creating this type of environment doesn't just happen - open, honest, vulnerable conversations allow you to get here. Making assumptions most definitely does not.
These days, my responses and reactions during sex are authentic. My partners know how every sensation feels for me. I am extremely expressive. My intimate experiences now are dynamic and authentic, rather than confusing, muted, and embarrassing.
So, be open, be authentic about your desires and what you know about yourself, and be receptive to theirs.
Get Curious
Following are a few questions you can ask yourself and one another to start a new conversation that may lead to a more open and authentic experience.
Am I able to simply experience the moment with the person I am with? Does it matter if they don't have an orgasm? How would I react if they told you they didn't orgasm easily? Would you make it mean something about you? Would you see it as a personal challenge to be the one who makes them cum? Do you assume they have something wrong with them? Please don't. I understand where this came from, trust me. But let's try not to perpetuate misinformation. Get curious. Listen intently and ask questions. Ask how you can support them.
If you’re looking for more suggestions on how to start or navigate these conversations, check out our post on Intimate Discussions: Building Trust and Understanding When Orgasms Aren't Easy.
Let’s Continue the Conversation
If you have any thoughts or experiences you would like to share, please do so below! I'd love to hear from you.
